- Academic Departments
- Et al. Journal
- Volume VI: In My Own Words 2016/2017
- Love is a Process
Love is a Process
Before being suddenly discharged, I thought I had an amazing relationship with the most perfect girl I could find, she was my best friend. Sarah had the most amazing silky-brown hair I had ever laid my eyes on. It fell freely to the middle of her back, having never been carelessly thrown into a ponytail. Her eyes were a deep stunning green, so green it would have made emeralds envious. Her eyes fell perfectly on her face as the bridge of her nose intersected them and proved her face to be absolutely symmetrical. She was an ideal 5 feet 7 inches tall which matched well with my 5 foot 10 inch frame.
Three days after Christmas was when she abruptly jettisoned me. We were dating for roughly 9 months and at that point I had a crush for over a year. I was pulverized when she told me, her words cut through me like a hot knife through butter. I was not only heartbroken but broken completely. I felt a real love for this girl and she snapped my heart in half like I was a #2 pencil used in grade school. From this experience I learned that I cannot let myself fall head over heels for someone because in the end they will probably end up doing more damage than good to my heart.
On that night, I was at a party with my best friend Collin and he had his eyes on a girl we went to high school with named Kayla. Kayla's parents had a very nice 3-story home in the Worthington Hills. She was a natural beauty with long blonde hair and willow green eyes. She had been in the "popular" group in high school and she was all he had been talking about for the past few days. I had on a kelly green Adidas hoodie with black jeans and a new pair of brown boots I had bought from Aldo the day before. I thought about Sarah all day and wondered what I could do or say that would fix things between us. It felt like no matter what I did to improve our relationship it was the wrong thing to do. I drank half of a bottle of Crown Royal Green Apple and lost contact with God. Collin was really feeling himself that night, he had at least 6 Corona's by the time it was 10 PM. We sat on couches in the den along with 6 other people we did not know, all talking and getting to know each other. I looked down at my phone and was surprised to see a text message from Sarah that reads "I am leaving Jessica's house can I come to where you are?" And of course I said yes, with no foresight to what was about to happen.
I waited roughly 15 minutes for her to arrive, in the meantime I watched my friend smooth talk his way into Kayla spending the night with him. He was unsuccessful. There were not any other pretty girls there for me to try talk to. I had someone I was stuck on, so I was bound silently surveying the room. Eventually Sarah arrived. She was just as awe inspiring as always, standing tall in her black rubber flat ankle boots. Even though she was not taller than everyone else, she stood out against the crowd of faces. She refused to get close to me and was acting very reserved (I knew something was off about her but I was intoxicated so I was not sure if it was the alcohol that made things seem off about her.) I was happy to see her anyway and gave her a hug which was greeted with a half-hearted one in return. We sat down and I told her about my night thus far and she told me about hers and why hers had ended so soon. We move to the living room and there were not enough seats for everyone so I invited her to sit on my lap which she declined. That made my heart sink even further. Shortly after, the three of us said our goodbyes to the people we knew and left. Once outside, Collin offered to let me ride with him back to his house as he had sobered up. His last drink was two hours before that point. Before I had a chance to answer Sarah spoke up "I can take him there". Not knowing what I am about to get into, I climbed in her black Nissan Sentra and we pulled away.
"Can I hold your hand?" I asked her. "No, Evan" she snapped back at me. With both hands cradling my half-empty bottle of Crown Royal, I stared out the window watching light poles grow closer and then zoom past me. Neither of us spoke, letting the deafening silence fill the void where our connection once was. We pulled into Collin's apartment complex with him right behind us. He walked up to the window which I rolled down and said "I'll be in in a minute, once we are done talking." So he stumbled inside. I turned the heat on the highest setting because the cold from that December evening was unbearable, even with warm clothes on. As I was about to rip her apart for being so cold and distant she said "Evan... I think we need to take a break." Those words stung me to my core. It felt like someone had a vice grip on my heart and ripped it, still beating, from my ribcage and tossed it back to me. This sphinx was a girl that I held an unconditional love for and she told me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore! "Why do you think we need a break?" I asked her, and of course she replied with "I think we just do." Several theories ran through my mind: Could someone else have come in the picture? Do I not offer a love good enough to her? Was I doing something wrong? My heart hurt so badly because of what she was telling me. I wanted with all my being to fix things with her and to make everything okay but I knew then that this was the end. I felt my heart start to grow heavy and fall through my feet, past the car and into the earth's core where it would explode and burn up never to be seen again. I deeply wanted to yell at her for breaking my heart and for doing it in such an awful way. I knew she would not give me a straight answer so I climbed out of the car, slammed the door shut, and walked over to the front door and entered Collin's apartment. As soon as I walked upstairs it hit me that Sarah was no longer mine, so I jumped down the stairs missing every step and sprinted outside as fast as I could to see if I could catch her but she was gone. As I was standing there in the middle of the night, tears spilling down my face, I was left with the harsh reality that someone I cared about to my marrow could hurt me so easily.
Pain and suffering are normal human emotions but it is a different experience once one actually goes through it. Pain and suffering are essential to building character and maturing as a human being. Breaking up with Sarah taught me that showing too much love to someone can be a bad thing. I did learn a few weeks later that her reason for breaking up with me was her eating disorder. As I understand it, bulimia compromised self-love which in turn makes it difficult to allow yourself to love others. I accepted this answer and respected her wishes to back off so I gave her plenty of space. I had felt that because I learned to love myself I could love enough for the both of us. I had thought that maybe someone else had come into the picture but I knew her too well. If she was cheating on me at some point I would have known. What I learned was I did not need someone who could not accept love. There are many people who live on earth and there is at least one out there who will love me for who I am. Even though Sarah broke my heart into a million tiny pieces, I still hold a love for her. We formed a special connection, I can never dismiss her for she is worth her weight in gold to me. Every day consists of missing her greatly. What hurts is I know Sarah won't find anyone who will treat her better than I did. Even if we do not reconcile, I hope she does find love. But I will always wish it was me.